SLOWFAST


	Dear Mom and Dad, Sorry for taking so long to write. College has been going well but I've been under the weather a bit. I am feeling better now as the headaches are almost gone and my vision is returning to normal after the injuries I got when I had to jump from my dormitory window because the building was on fire. Fortunately, the gas station attendant from down the street saw the whole thing. He was kind enough to visit me in the hospital and when I was released, having no place to live, he invited me to stay in his apartment. Although he never got past the 8th grade, he is a hard worker, and though he is not of the same national origin, or religion as our family, I know that you will welcome him to our family with open arms, as we have decided to get married. We don't know the date yet but we do know when the baby is due, Yes, you will have your first grandchild, and you will be Grandparents ! ! We haven't set the wedding date yet because he had a little medical problem, just an infection really, and then I caught it, and then we couldn't pass the blood test to get married, but we will set a date as soon as we can. Dearest Mom & Dad - none of the above is true - as a matter of fact I don't even have a boyfriend, but I am getting a "D" in chemistry and an "F" in math and I wanted you both to see this news in the proper perspective.

	A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked the flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are anyway?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" The bird answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"


	Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, someone has stolen our tent."

	Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. "Sidney thought of everything", she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. Tillie', he told me.' I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'." "What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked. "The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably. "The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for when we began shiva". "And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'. At that point, Tillie held up her hand and pointed to her finger, on which was a ten carat diamond ring. "So", said Tillie, "You like my stone?

	A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle. Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says," You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

	In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear shit. Black bear shit is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear shit has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
	(thanks steve karpman)

	A fellow went to see his doctor because he was having terrible migraines. His doctor examined him and said. "Sorry, but there isn't anything that I can do for you medically. But I will tell you what helps me when I have a migraine. I get my wife to wet a face cloth with hot water - as hot as she can safely carry - then she rubs it gently over my forehead and after that we make wild, passionate love and my headache disappears." The patient says, "I can't live with these headaches, so anything is worth a try, no matter how far-fetched it sounds." A couple of weeks go by and the fellow comes back to the doctor and he is ecstatic. "Doc" he says, "you are a miracle worker. I tried your method and have been able to get rid of every headache I've had since I talked to you. By the way, you have a nice house!"
	(thanks steve)

	A woman staying at the downtown Chicago Hilton desired a private place to go tanning. After searching the facility she found an exit to the roof. The roof provided a private, excellent tanning spot. She made herself comfortable and enjoyed the sun for the day. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" the woman asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
	(thanks steve)